It was Sunday afternoon, and there I sat, on my living room couch wrapped in a towel, scouring the incredibly complex menu of spa services listed on the W’s Bliss Spa website. Trying desperately to navigate the site, I finally gave up, dropping my head into my hands, I sighed “why is my life so hardddd?”
A friend who had spent the night, tossed a dirty look my way- “you’re laying on the couch, booking a facial, which you’re paying for with a credit card you stole from your dad. How is your life hard again?”
Okay. Stop. Right. There. You don’t get me. Nobody gets me. Not my parents, not my siblings, not my friends, and certainly not society. Do you think I want to spend my Sunday, the lord’s day, lying on what might as well be a hospital bed, in a dark room, having my face poked and prodded at by a Persian woman, who for 50 minutes is going to try to convince me that I too am Persian?! And on top of that, pay $150 for it?! No. Trust me, I don’t. But this is the life I have been forced to lead.
I am constantly asked by unsympathetic friends and family members, “Where does all your money go?!” My sister often says to me, “You’re always broke, but I don’t understand what you spend it on. It’s not like you have anything to show for it.” Excuse me, nothing to show for it?? Do you think that living and dealing with the repercussions of a poor genetic makeup is inexpensive???? Or easy?? Well, it’s not. Below I have outlined my expenses, in an effort to help all of you understand my struggle.
The majority of my money goes towards fighting my genetic structure. Believe me, that’s not cheap. Doctors appointments, spa visits, gym memberships, chemical imbalances, cellulite, poor vision, jagged bone structure, unmanageable hair, sagging skin, etc. Now, before we get into this, I’m going to address one point. I know many of you will be thinking that all of this fuss is about my vanity. Let me tell you right now, it’s not. A lot of you are thinking, why don’t you just put your hair in a ponytail like I do?! Or just buy some Clearasil! What about home remedies, girl! The answer to that, in short, is I have dignity and self-respect. To elaborate, I’m just not you. Yes, things like that may be acceptable for the plain-janes and simpletons of the world (“he thinks I’m sexiest in my sweats!” vom.)….but that’s not okay for me. Really, I wish it wasn’t the case, but that’s just how God and Drake wanted it- nails done, hair done, everything did. Yes, I’ll admit that every now and then, I think to myself, it would be nice to throw my hair into a bun, slip on some flats, and head out the door in a pair of sweats. Then I sober up, pop a fish oil supplement, and remember that people are interested in me for 3 reasons and 3 reasons alone:
- I’m great arm candy
- My one-liners (any joke I tell is 140 characters or less).
- They have an Arab fetish.
Therefore, going out into the world like a sloth ruins any chance I have at a future. Below is a breakdown of my living expenses:
Doctor’s Appointments $20/appointment (I have great health insurance! It even covers a lot of my facials, microderm and chemical peels.): First, I’d just like to point out that I am in perfect physical health, by society’s standards, but certainly not by my own, higher, standards. My family’s medical history is disgusting. That being said, I have taken every precaution necessary to save myself from falling victim to the many ailments that once plagued my ancestors. This means visiting Esteticians, Dentists, Dermatologists, Plastic Surgeons, ophthalmologists, Nutritionists, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Gynecologists, chiropractor, etc. etc. ON THE REG.
“High” Society AKA Medication $0.29-$300/medication: Well obviously these doctors are going to prescribe me medicine to ward off all these ailments! And you would seriously cringe if you knew how much it costs to keep cystic acne at bay.
Cosmetic Procedures $20-$1,000/treatment: Hair, waxing, facials, massages, body treatments, manicures, pedicures, and if the price is right- dermal fillers. Do you know how quickly an Arabs hair grows? Let’s just say I had to start shaving my legs in the 4th grade.
Social Outings cost varies based on dietary restrictions: Happy hour, brunch, dinners, tea, etc. It all costs money guys. Living social deals will only get you so far.
Wardrobe $100-$2,000/week: I know, this is a rather large range. It all depends on what’s going on that week. Lately, a lot of people in my life have decided to enter into matrimony, that’s been tough on my bank account. Also, because of social media, it has become increasingly more difficult to wear the same outfit more than once. Once you’ve worn it in a Facebook profile pic, can you really ever wear it again?
Diet $100-$300/week: Sure, in college a lot of you lived off of Ramen noodles. That must have been nice for your bank account. I, however, was at Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, and Organic Markets buying faux pasta, in the form of tofu shirataki noodles. Being allergic to (and by allergic to, I actually mean frightened of) most food groups is not only sad, it’s also really expensive.
Well, I really hope this cleared things up for you guys. Next time I get hit with an overdraft fee, maybe you’ll think twice before asking me if I bought a Vespa, Mom.
