Lately the world has picked up the pace and intensity in its mission to bring me down. Everywhere I go assassins lie waiting, just doing their part in the large-scale plot to overthrow me (no, I mean LITERALLY throw me off of the Earth). At first I was ready to succumb to this coup d’etat. Throwing my hands in the air, and my body in the tub, I gave up and thought let me just go ahead and take all this abuse lying down, literally. Maybe I deserved it? Maybe I was someone like Assad in a past life and this was my very own Ides of March, but in true Arab form, my assassination was running a few days behind schedule. Who knows.
Finally, after watching countless hours of Syrian rebel fighting, I realized…this isn’t me. It’s in my blood to fight back when under attack. Lil Wayne said it best, “I aint a killer, but don’t push me.” So what was I going to do? How can you train and arm yourself against constant, unexpected assault? Well, I’ll tell you this much- it aint easy. But with willpower, ankle weights, and brass knuckles you CAN overcome.
So after I gained enough strength to pull myself up out of the tub (I think Whitney’s spirit was there, lending me a helping hand), I sat my big ole bum down in front of my Macbook and spent the next several hours/days (it’s all a blur) in intensive training.
STEP 1: TRAINING VIDEOS
Enough Starring Jennifer Lopez
This is better than any self defense course you could ever take. In this 2002 film, J.Lo has the last laugh when she takes down her abuser.
Obsessed Starring Beyonce
“YOU THINK YOU CRAZY?!! I’LL SHOW YOU CRAZY!!” Words to live by.
Waiting To Exhale Closet Scene
This one is always really emotional to watch, but it’s important that you allow yourself time to expel out of your eyes the poison that some call “tears.” “GET YO SHIT, AND GET OUT!” More words to live by.
HBO House Of Saddam
Sometimes you need to adopt certain characteristics of a dictator. Besides, if you want to defeat your enemy, you really have to get inside their head.
“I have skills….skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.”
STEP 2: MOTIVATION
Not everyone has the inner strength to just pick themselves up off the ground and fight. I mean, without an adderall prescription and 6 SF redbulls, who knows if I’d even be able to get out of bed in the morning. Below you will find instructors, who in the following videos demonstrate some of the greatest motivational tactics our society has seen since Jillian Michaels on “The Biggest Loser.”
Destiny’s Child: SURVIVOR
Britney Spears: STRONGER
(Try to ignore the fact that her love interest in this film is clearly gay. It happens to the best of us.)
Christina Aguilera: FIGHTER
Gwyneth Paltrow: COUNTRY STRONG
Yes, she does commit suicide at the end of this film. BUT, some would say that’s the ultimate act of strength….knowing when it’s time to take yourself out of the game.
Carrie Underwood: BEFORE HE CHEATS
Whitney Houston: IT’S NOT RIGHT BUT IT’S OK
If 6 of y’all went out…then 4 of you were really cheap…cause only 2 of you had dinner, found your credit card receipt!
Blue Cantrell: HIT EM UP STYLE
This will teach you one important lesson- it’s all about economics. Think about it, whenever the U.S. doesn’t want to put “boots on the ground” what do they do?? Cut off aid. Hit them where it hurts most- their bank account.
STEP 3: SPIRITUAL GUIDES
Unlike the training that is involved in becoming the perfect mate, training to defeat your enemy involves more than just the physical. You must also employ spiritual guides in order to gain the momentum, determination and motivation to fight the good fight. Below you will find videos, featuring some of the world’s best and brightest spiritual guides.
Okay guys, I hope you learned something here today. We live in a sick world, but I have faith in you. Godspeed.