A few months back I shared with you my secret evening concoction The Pulchritudinous Potion®, which is credited for keeping my svelte physique and signature “tranquil” facial expression. Ever since the release of my recipe, I have received countless e-mails and letters (via carrier pigeon) asking me to reveal more of my beauty secrets. Well, like I’ve said time after time, I sure as hell wasn’t born this way. It’s taken blood, sweat and tears (emphasis on the sweat and tears).
As you may have noticed, I’ve really been trying to work on my reinvention, branding myself as a humanitarian. That means helping as many people as I possibly can, in any way that I possibly can. So with that sentiment in mind, I have decided to use this platform to address some of the greatest issues plaguing our society: poor body image and physical imperfection. So today, I have decided to release some of my most essential beauty secrets to the public.
I’m not making any promises, but this was me in 1992.
My image was out of control. I was graceless, bringing shame to my family. Then, finally, around puberty, I gained the knowledge, strength, and orthodontic work needed for a comeback. And look at me now. I’ll let you be the judge.
This is how I start each and every day! Believe you me, this concoction will give you the energy, stamina and endurance you need to get through the day, and conquer all of the saboteurs you will surely be faced with.
1 Tbsp. Metamucil
8 oz. Perrier
20 Mg Adderall
1 Shot 5 Hour Energy
1 Raw Egg White
Mix all ingredients in a glass. Serve chilled and garnish with coffee grounds or Splenda
Blemish Be Gone Brew®
2 Tbsp. Aquaphor
1 Tbsp. Retin-A
4 oz. Mud
1/4 c. Clorox bleach
Mix ingredients. Apply thick layer to face, avoiding eye area. Rinse with warm water after 12 hours.
3 Bottles Chardonnay
2 C. Old-Fashioned Oats
2 Quarts Boiling Water
3 lbs Sea Salt
½ c. EVOO
Glenn Harold Meditation iPad App
Combine ingredients in tub, preferably a whirlpool. Play Glen Harold Meditation App on loud speakers, on repeat. Soak for a minimum of 8 hours. *Arrange to have a night nurse check on you periodically #whitney.
Optical Solution Eye Masque®
2 baby hands (Age 0-5 yrs old or 3 inch max diameter of palms)
Apply on top of eyelids for 2 hours to alleviate under-eye circles, puffiness, and/or crows feet.
First Aid KIT Mani/Pedi®
Apply Neosporin to cuticles. Rinse.
Lustrous Locks Conditioning Hair Masque®
1 Jar Fat-Free Mayo (im convinced the fat can seep through the scalp and poison the body)
3 Eggs, Yolk included
2 Cans Budweiser
Whisk all ingredients in bowl until blended. Apply to scalp for 20 minutes. Rinse under warm water.
Svelte Cellulite Scrub®
1 Spanx® Full Body Suit (size xxxs- very important)
2 Cups Instant Coffee
3 Grapefruits Whole
40 Mg Codeine
Blend Grapefruit and coffee together. Apply to effected areas. Dress yourself in the Body Suit and take Codeine. Sleep.
Good Luck Everyone! And You’re Welcome!
*The practices and procedures stated above have not been approved or reviewed by the FDA. Practice extreme caution. Consult with your doctor/shaman/therapist before starting any of the above regimens.