I recently lost my very best gay. We did everything together. Braid my hair, paint my nails, pay my bills, house hunt for my next home, husband hunt for my next victim, etc, etc. He finished my sentences and I finished his french fries. But now he’s gone, and I’m all by my lonesome.
Though he really only relocated to LA, I’ve decided to carry on with life as though he has passed on. This is also something I like to do after a bad break up. I mean, how can you be angry with a dead person?
Anyway, I wish I could say my gay was irreplaceable but at the end of the day everyone is replaceable. I think Beyonce said it best, “you must not know bout me, you must not know bout me. I can have another you in a minute…so dontcha eva get to thinkin you’re irreplaceableeeeee” Pig. Anyway, since his departure (from earth) I have begun a worldwide (AKA city-wide) manhunt for my next main gay. Yes, it’s true, I DO have lots of other gays. One to go with evening wear, one for a day-to-night look, one for rainy days, one with legs for days, a gaysian, a bilingual bisexual, a down-low brotha, etc. etc. But the fact of the matter is that none of my current gays qualify to fill the shoes of my main gay, may God rest his soul.
In beginning my search, I did what any other rational thinking fagless hag would do. I created a Grindr account.
Grindr: Grindr is a geosocial networking application geared toward gay men. It runs on iOS, Blackberry OS and Android devices. Available for download from the Apple App Store and the Google play, The app makes use of the device geolocation, which allows users to locate other men who have sex with men within close proximity. Tapping on a picture will display a brief profile for that user, as well as the option to chat, send pictures, and share one’s location.
This seemed like a really good idea and certainly made for some interesting finds at political events (secret’s safe with me!) However, after receiving countless photographs of peen and exhausting myself with trying to convince complete strangers that I was a REAL girl, I knew there had to be another way.
Then, it hit me- like a back-handed bitch slap from a well-meaning queer. The Voice, American Idol, America’s Got Talent, Paris Hilton & her countless Bff’s had all done what I needed to do now. Take my search to the streets….with a camera crew in tow! My search for my new #1 gay would be chronicled in a new reality series: “MANHUNT- the search for a queen, fit for a queen.” Think Keeping Up With The Kardashians meets Celebrity Rehab meets RuPaul’s Drag Race meets Army Wives meets Oprah’s Next Chapter meets Will & Grace meets The Amazing Race meets Teen Mom.
Here’s a sneak peek: