Unless you live under a rock, you heard that the twi-or-die relationship of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart came to a cataclysmic end last week, after news broke of Stewart’s perfidious ways.
Now, in any other circumstance of treason (AKA cheating), I would place the blame on the offending party (Kristen Stewart), but Robby babe, you really have to take some of the blame. Anyone who dresses like this-
clearly should not be trusted to begin with. Honestly, I’m not sure she can be held accountable for her actions at all, because by the looks of these photos, I can conclude with near certainty that she is a user of meth and/or crack cocaine.
It’s okay though Rob, we’ve all been in your shoes. Telling ourselves that the lipstick on the collar is just strawberry jam, the bobby pins in the shower must be mine, the “wrapper” under the bed was left behind by a careless, sex-crazed, friend who stayed the weekend, and that wasn’t a “girl’s” hand he was holding, well, that was actually the prematurely developed younger half-sister you never knew he had.
Well, Rob, yesterday I heard that you told that soulless strumpet to pack up and get out of the home
you once shared in ignorant bliss. Is that true? If so, I would like to grasp your hands and Oprah-shake them in the air, applauding you for beginning the arduous process of taking your power back.
Moving out was the first step. Now, I will step in and lend a helping hand. Just one though, I need the other to backhand that bitch.
1. Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice.
Oprah once told me that if he hits you once, he WILL hit you again. And you know what? I’ve decided to extend that prophecy to all other areas of my life. If she cheated once, she will cheat again. And let’s think about this for a quick sec. This sure as hell couldn’t be her first round around the block. No one cheats for the first time with an elderly married man who has young children!! No one.
You really need to hit bottom so that you can make your way back to the top. It’s time to destroy your ego, so that no one else ever can again. You really need to overindulge in every aspect of your life. Turn to drugs, alcohol, overeat, and overspend until you are big, monstrous, broken beast. Do this all very publicly. If you need help on this one, call Brooke Mueller.
There’s no point in #2 unless you follow through with #3. Go away for a while. Avoid platitudinous behavior, meaning clubbing or going to Namibia to adopt a child. It’s been done. Just lay low in Bali for some time.
Nobody understands the brutality of infidelity the way a country songstress does. Here are a few suggestions:
-Before He Cheats, Carrie Underwood
- Should’ve Said No, Taylor Swift
- Thunder Rolls, Garth Brookes
-Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under, Shania Twain
- Cheatin, Sara Evans
*Avoid songs by Leann Rimes.
Now, move on to film:
-Unfaithful, starring Diane Lane, First Wives Club, He’s Just Not That Into You, and Waiting To Exhale
Go ahead and give Brandi Glanville or Camille Grammer a call. If Brandi tries to talk you into slashing any tires, just slap her. Remember, Maserati tires can be replaced, instead, focus on your unparalleled charm and beauty. That will be your best bet in seeking retribution. Let karma take care of the rest.
Head into a spinning class. Hang out with Tracy Anderson a bit. Shave your goddamn face. Take some laxatives and OD on kale smoothies. Get your hands on a placenta-collagen mask and wear it for 2-weeks, like a second skin.
Once you’ve hit a plateau in your weight-loss, and your skin begins to resemble that of a baby’s bottom, it is time. Much like the phoenix, you are now ready to take flight, rising up out of the ashes of infidelity. Congratulations on your recovery. Now work on getting a reality show on E! or Bravo and definitely be sure to land a tell-all interview and magazine cover or two, or three. If that doesn’t work out, go ahead and release the naked pics you have of her. Godspeed.